Friday, November 28, 2008

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving! It's been two months since Jeff died. Sometimes it feels like forever ago and almost like he was never here to begin with. Other times, it seems like he never left. Jeff missed Thanksgiving last year, too. He was too sick to participate. He was so nauseated and fatigued that he was sleeping approximately 20 hours per day--knocked down by proliferating tumors and the after-effects of whole brain radiation. His neuro-oncologist prescribed a drug for him called Provigil--normally used to help narcoleptics stay alert--and it perked him up almost instantly, or enough so that he was able to enjoy Christmas and, shortly thereafter, start the anti-CTLA clinical trial.

And as each momentous occasion passed--Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays, etc.--we tacitly understood it would be the last. Even so, we did nothing out of the ordinary to commemorate the occasions. There were no grandiose gestures or over-the-top celebrations. Likewise, there were no tears. Surprisingly--no videos. Few pictures. I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't remember how we celebrated our last anniversary (or if we celebrated at all). I can only recall one of the gifts Jeff gave me for our last Christmas--a $10 bottle of perfume that he got for free with a $10 off coupon (he was very pleased with his thriftiness). I'm sure he gave me more than that, but that's all I can remember. My last Valentine's Day and Mother's Day are completely forgotten.

I tell you this, though, not because it makes me sad or because I regret that we didn't preserve these historical occasions, but for precisely the opposite reason: Jeff lived everyday like it was a holiday. He was no different any other day of the year than he was on Christmas or his birthday or on Father's Day. Despite his illness and despite knowing, almost for certain, that he would soon die, he treated his last holidays as he did all the others. Jeff had absolutely no regrets and was, I believe, so comfortable in his knowledge that the kids and I would always love him and remember him that he didn't feel he needed to make desperate attempts to memorialize the "last" everything. I can only assume that most of us, given the same death sentence as Jeff, would panic and try desperately to immortalize ourselves or would, at the very least, find something worth changing about our daily routines: we would stop going to work; stop worrying about how much we spend at restaurants; we would fulfill all of our ambitious pledges to jump out of airplanes, visit France, or swim with Dolphins. I know it was a great comfort to Jeff that he found nothing so compelling as waking up to the same exact life he had created for himself before cancer as existed after his diagnosis. He changed nothing. Regretted nothing. That's the way I want to go.

That's not to say it was easy for him. In Hospice, Jeff said again how grateful he was that we took a family vacation to Atlanta and the Great Smoky Mountains the summer before he was diagnosed. He said he wished we had spent more time taking trips like that as a family--just him and I and the kids. He had planned Mount Rushmore as our next great destination and said, "I hate knowing I'll never see things like Mount Rushmore again." But that was the extent of his wistfulness. He was otherwise very resigned to his fate and did not attempt to deny or resist it.

And so, this Thanksgiving, though it may seem a strange thing to be thankful for, I am thankful for Jeff's death. I don't mean that I am glad that he died--I could never feel that way. But I am glad for how he died. I am happy that he died secure in his relationships with me and the kids; I am thankful that his illness allowed him to confirm, both to himself and to our family, what a happy life he had. I am thankful for all the time that he had to prepare himself and us for his death; I'm thankful for the guidance he has given me and for sharing the last wishes I am to carry out on his behalf; and I'm especially thankful for all the friends Jeff has given me--in life and in death, some of whom I would have never met and others who might have never had an opportunity to show us the extent of their love for and commitment to our family if he hadn't died.

So, although I hear a lot about how the holidays are hard after a death and can be particularly depressing, I have to disagree. The holidays certainly condense opportunities to illustrate how often I'm alone: I will shop for the kids' presents alone; I will not be bringing a guest to the Christmas Party at work; etc. But, I am certainly not lonely. So far, my Thanksgiving weekend has included a movie night and drinks with some of my favorite friends; Thanksgiving dinner among other favorite friends; a call from the Archbishop; wreath-hanging with another friend; bowling with the kids (don't even get me started on all the fun they've had in the past two days: a bonfire party; games with friends; bowling; ice skating; and a slumber party--and it's only Friday night . . .). We have more fun coming up--a get together for dinner tomorrow night; lunch with neighbors on Sunday. It's hard to feel bad when we're having so much fun.

And I know Jeff would not want us to feel bad. I received a lovely gift today--Jeff's uncle sent me all the cards and letters that people sent to him in sympathy of Jeff's death. It was quite an impressive stack of papers--from priests and nuns and parishioners and deacons and friends and strangers. But, what stood out to me was the common theme that emerged in their expressions of sympathy and personal remarks: Death is to be celebrated. I'm sure that wherever Jeff is now, he would find it amusing (if not irritating) that we should be so morose about his death. I'm sure that now, more than ever, Jeff would be pleased if we could celebrate--not only the holidays, but everyday, just as he did.

With Thanks!
Kelly

Sunday, November 23, 2008

on a happier note....

hey everybody it's aubrey :) i thought i'd save my mom some time and energy by putting up a blog for her, so here it is. first of all, we'd like to say thanks to Brendan and Meaghen Gardiner (and of course Grace and Clare) for coming up and visiting with us for the weekend. we all had a great time! other than that, nothing very eventful has happened lately. school is going good for regan, jack, and i (we all had excellent report cards!) and i'm assuming work is okay for my mom...

anyway, if anyone cares to know what's going on with me, it's nothing very exciting. i went to the play "Little Shop of Horrors" with some of my good friends on Saturday night. it was done by the players at East Highschool here in Wauwatosa, and their shows are always AMAZING because they really put a lot of work into them, but i think they really outdid themselves this time. all my friends and i were very impressed, so i just thought i'd share that with all of you. otherwise i've just been hanging out with my friends and family.

by the way, i have some really hot gossip for all of you.... finn sadly dumped the swiffer and found a new love-the dust pan and broom! see, we have this tiny little hand broom and dust pan and when he saw it, it was like love at first sight. now he sweeps everything he sees even if it's not dirty!! he also made it his own little personal chore to help with the laundry. when we switch the laundry to the dryer, we have to hand the wet clothes to him first so that he can shove them into the dryer. it's pretty cute the way he just has to clean everything!! also, my mom got out the vacuum the other day (i know, it's crazy, i never thought i'd type that) and finn insisted on vacuuming for her and wouldn't let her do any of it. he's a little obsessive compulsive when it comes to cleaning, but that's okay.

one last thing before i go: i would just like to give a shoutout to regan because tonight she single-handedly took all the pictures that were on the bulletin boards at the visitation and put them into a leather photo album given to us by her school. so yeah, props to regan :D
i gotta go now (i have a big, long 2 day week ahead of me because of Thanksgiving week-lol!)

Bye!
love,
aubrey

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Tragedy Times Two

I'm so sorry to report that tragedy has struck again: Jeff's first cousin, Travis Olmsted, died of sarcoma (a soft tissue cancer) at approximately 4 a.m. on Tuesday, November 18th. He was 27 years old. Travis's dad and Jeff's mom are brother and sister. So, that means that Jeff's grandparents have lost two grandsons in two months; his aunts and uncles have lost two nephews in two months; his cousins have lost another cousin, etc. So, once again, Bishop Tom will eulogize a nephew and the family will gather as they did for Jeff less than two months ago. It's all so unspeakably sad.

Travis's mom, Rosalie, gave me her permission to mention Travis on the blog and I thank her very much for that. Travis was diagnosed with cancer 5 1/2 years ago and Aubrey still remembers going to visit him in the hospital with her grandma. Travis was the youngest of four kids and, happily, lived long enough to see his big brother, Rob, get married at the end of October. Ironically, he died on Rob's birthday--Rob was one of Jeff's favorite cousins. They were close in age and both liked sports. Rob was a groomsman at our wedding and had come to visit us a couple of times in Wisconsin.

I found a local flower shop on the internet in Travis's hometown of Beattie, Kansas (which has a population of approximately 275 people). Of course, the flower shop owner knew everything about Travis and even knew who I was. She is apparently very fond of Travis's parents and grandparents and talked to me like we were old friends--telling me about Rob's recent wedding and all the details of the upcoming visitation and funeral. She even trusted me to send her a check for the flowers I ordered because she doesn't take credit cards. It was a real testament to her admiration for Travis's family and a sweet reminder of my own small hometown where I'm sure the local florist would do the same.

And, speaking of my small hometown, I just received a blast from the past when my old friend Chandra left me a blog comment. Chandra, when you mentioned Chi and Jodi and Lyndell, it made me think of all our band trips and high school plays and speech meets . . . those were the days!

Well, that's all for now. I hope to have better news next time. Until then . . .

Love, Kelly

Monday, November 17, 2008

Key Lime Birthday

So, I've decided to extend my birthday into a birthmonth. I celebrated on November 11th and have continued the celebration. I had my lovely party; friends have taken me to lunch or dinner or have stopped by to visit nearly every day since then and the invitations (not to mention the cards and well-wishes) continue . . .

However, this past weekend was the culmination of our Second Annual Birthday Getaway in my honor. Jeff started the tradition last year when he took me and the kids to Illinois Beach Resort for a couple of days. The highlight of that weekend was when he and the kids sang a very sweet rendition of a love song that they wrote themselves especially for me--all accompanied by Aubrey on guitar. It was AWESOME!

This year, we continued the tradition by going to Key Lime Cove Resort in Gurnee, Illinois. It bills itself as a cruise ship on land and it nearly lives up to the claim! The only things missing were the sunshine and 80 degree weather. The kids had a blast swimming at the expansive waterpark. Even Finn took a few turns on the baby waterslide. We ate room service (another big treat) and watched non-stop Spongebob Squarepants on Nickolodean (a considerably smaller treat, in my estimation) for two days straight.

It was hard to come back to reality and Wisconsin's winter weather--we had our first winter storm today. It wasn't much of a storm, but left enough ice on the roads to cause my 20 minute commute home from work to stretch into an hour and forty minutes. Ugh!

Otherwise, I have no new news so I'll keep this short. It's late and I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Thanks as always for checking in. Until next time . . .

Sweet Dreams!
Kelly

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Mr. Good Housekeeping

Well, this 29th birthday was one of my best yet! The kids and nannies pulled-off a surprise birthday party for me--complete with a homemade birthday cake! There were approximately 20 guests, food, drinks, and even a miniature Dance Party! It was truly a fun evening and I can't thank them enough for all the thought and hard work they put into it!

In other news, I was cleaning up some old computer files and came across the drafts of two entries I had written for a World's Greatest Husband contest in Good Housekeeping magazine. I had written them a year apart for the same contest. Both times, I failed to finish them or mail them off. Maybe the publishers of Good Housekeeping will read them and give Jeff the award posthumously! Jeff never read the entries or even knew that I had conspired to enter him in the contest, but they do a nice job of illustrating a mere fraction of the contributions he made to our household:

Draft Entry--2005 (this was originally in a two-column format, but the blog will not accept the formatting, so I have put what originally appeared in the second column in red font).

Two hundred and fifty words is wholly inadequate to express why my husband was born to be “Mr. Good Housekeeping.” I hope the statistics will speak for themselves:

His Typical Day /My Typical Day
7:00 a.m. Wake up 3 kids for school
Sleep
7:15 a.m. Make kids’ lunches for school
7:25 a.m. Give our middle daughter one last
Chance to wake up and get dressed
OR ELSE!
7:30 a.m. Make kids’ breakfast
7:45 a.m. Pack and check backpacks
7:55 a.m. Clean up breakfast while reminding
Middle daughter she is going to be
Late if she doesn’t hurry up. Load
And start the dishwasher.
8:00 a.m. Car pool our kids and three of the
Neighbor kids to school
8:15 a.m. Go to the grocery store with our
4 year-old son. Drive the “race car”
Shopping cart.
Wake up. Get ready for work.
9:00 a.m. Unpack groceries. Plan dinner.
Play games or puzzles with our son.
Go to work.
10:00 a.m. Write magazine articles. Earn a living.
Interrupt writing to explain to our son
That he can’t give himself a tatoo with
A ball point pen. Write articles. Tell our
Son to not stand on the back of the couch.
Stare at computer. Write more articles.
Scrub ball point tatoo off of son.
Noon: Make lunch for son. Eat together. With
Chop sticks (because per our son “that’s
how ninjas do it.”). Clean up. Read son
a book. Unload the dishwasher. Immed-
iately begin reloading it with lunch dishes.
Eat lunch with law partner.
1:00 p.m. Write magazine articles. Hope our son
Takes a nap.
2:50 p.m. Get son ready. Pick up our daughters
And neighbor kids from school.
3:15 p.m. Fix kids a snack. Make oldest daughter
Do homework and practice her guitar.
3:30 p.m. Write articles. Suggest oldest daughter
Practice guitar for more than five minutes,
Send her to practice some more. Try to
Write and simultaneously negotiate a
Fight between middle daughter and son.
Write. Write.Write.
Eat a muffin.
5:30 p.m. Check homework. Start making dinner.
(Often consisting of homemade bread and
Spaghetti sauce made from scratch!).
6:30 p.m. Eat Dinner (prepare kids’ plates)
Listen to me whine about my job. Agree
That I should have been a rock star.
Come home; eat dinner; complain about work.
7:00 p.m. Clean up dinner. Vacuum. Load dish
Washer. Wipe down kitchen surfaces.
Throw in a load of laundry.
7:30 p.m. Attend meeting as board member
Of school PTA.
Play with kids; give kids baths.
9:00 p.m. Return home. Fold Laundry. Throw In another load.
Kiss sleeping kids.
Put kids to bed.
9:30 p.m. Give me a back rub while I read Read magazine.
10:00 p.m. Go to Bed

Draft Entry--2006

I am a divorce lawyer. My husband is a successful freelance writer, treasurer of the PTA, President of his college alumni association, a high school religious education teacher, and work-at-home father to 3 elementary school children. Even though he juggles play dates with publication deadlines, he understands that my job is wrought with high demands and few rewards. To allow me the flexibility to serve my clients and, more importantly, to ensure that when I am home I am available to enjoy him and our children, he has undertaken virtually all of our household management. What’s more, he has taken on this disproportionate burden without complaint, without resentment, and with only fleeting moments of regret that are instantly resolved as soon as I try to do something “helpful” like sort the laundry, which (if I’m interpreting his gasps and facial contortions correctly) causes an irreversible imbalance in the universe—or irritable bowel syndrome (I’m not quite sure which). Of course, I always counsel my clients to avoid vesting one spouse with responsibility for all of the household chores because it fosters feelings of guilt and resentment. But now I am convinced that if something feels this right it just can’t be wrong! So in celebration of my emancipation from the unholy bonds of housework, I nominate my husband as Mr. Good Housekeeping 2006 and offer the following comparative list of our respective chores to illustrate his worthiness:

HIM: Wakes kids; gets them ready for school; makes their lunches; feeds them breakfast; picks the kids up from school; cooks dinner 7 nights a week (he bakes his own bread AND makes homemade pizza!); cleans up after dinner; does dishes; loads and unloads dishwasher; sorts the laundry; washes the laundry (“make sure you shake out the clothes before you put them in the dryer!”); folds the laundry; recycles; vacuums the floors, floorboards, carpets, blinds and walls (yes, I have it from a reliable source—our 10 year old daughter—that he actually vacuums the walls); he takes out the trash; cleans the windows (inside and out); and does every other conceivable household chore not listed here (not to mention he also does ALL of the home maintenance and yardwork . . .)

ME: Dust and polish wood. (He hates to dust). Watch the Style Network.

________________________

Geez! No wonder I'm so exhausted all the time:. It's hard work delegating everything Jeff did to the nannies, the cleaning lady, and the lawn service. And just think, after all that delegating I still have to eat a muffin and watch the Style Network! Will my toils never end? :-)

Come back soon!
Kelly

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me

Well, it's that time of year again when I turn 29 (thankfully, I don't look a day over 45). Ha! Actually, I am turning 36 today and Princess Kelly will be taking the day off from blogging to be fawned over and doted upon.

However, I am pleased to have a guest blogger filling in for me today. Allow me to introduce Colin Hutt, one of our dearest friends who wrote the following about Jeff:

Jeff's List of 11 Favorite Books

My last conversation with Jeff was at the hospice. In a blog post a few weeks before, Jeff mentioned that Les Miserables was one of his favorite books. Being a big fan of Victor Hugo, too, I wanted to find out what else was on his list. We talked about books and authors and deeper meanings for nearly two hours. It wasn't easy for him to talk, but his passion for literature was clear. So for any other "bookies" out there who also wondered what was on Jeff's list, here you go. The list is in the order he brought them up and a few of his comments are noted in parentheses:

1. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
2. Emma - Jane Austen
3. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (he likes the book best; the musical was great; he heard the 1998 movie version was good except it completely changed the meaning of the ending by having Javier kill himself)
4. Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien (A funny note on this one: Jeff said "Lord of the Rings" and for some reason I thought he was talking about "Lord of the Flies," which led to both of us being very confused for about 10 minutes.)
5. Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
6. The Screwtape Letters - C.S. Lewis (Jeff said he planned to give a copy of this book to any young man who wants to marry one of his daughters; he would give the suitor a weekend to read it and if he didn't like the book, Jeff would "seriously consider" not letting him marry his daughter.)
7. Surprised by Joy - C.S. Lewis ("experiences of joy are proof that God exists")
8. Miracles - C.S. Lewis ("the great imagination of God")
9. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
10. Romeo and Juliet - William Shakespeare
11. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

Happy reading and thinking of Jeff.

Editor's Note: In his will, Jeff left all of his books, including The Screwtape Letters, to Aubrey. I had no idea Jeff was plotting to use this book (which is also one of my all-time favorites) to derail her tender romances. Oh well. My girls are not allowed to date until they're married anyway.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Untitled

I'm sorry it's been a week since my last update, but I really have no news worth sharing and certainly nothing that could justify displacing the adorable picture of Yoda. Nonetheless, I thought I should check-in and reassure everyone that we are all doing well: no news is, indeed, good news.

However, I don't want to waste your time, so I'll share some observations from the week that you may find entertaining:

Now, you may or may not know that Jeff was a bit fastidious. Actually, he was a lot fastidious. And that may be too charitable a characterization because when I say "fastidious" I mean "obsessive-compulsive about cleaning things." (I say it with love). I am beginning to believe this trait is the product of nature and not nurture; one attributable to genetics and not environment. Here are my elements of proof: If you have spent any appreciable amount of time with Finn, you know that he loves to use the Swiffer. Some babies need a pacifier; some need a bottle; some need to cuddle their mommies; but, when Finn is in a bad mood, he can be instantly distracted and soothed by pushing the Swiffer around the kitchen. He also likes to vacuum and sweep. He is offended by is own runny nose and wants to wipe it himself with a Kleenex (which he then dutifully and instinctively throws away in the trash). He is also very diligent in disposing of anything else he finds on the floor that his sixth sense of "clean" tells him should not be there: wrappers, pieces of paper, etc. He picks them up, shows them to me as if to emphasize "you missed one" and throws them away. He played for 30 minutes today with a bottle of hand-sanitizer--and actually used it the correct way, alternately pumping it into his hands and rubbing them together until they were so clean he could have performed surgery. But the real eye-opener came when Finn and I were in the living room having a "dance party" yesterday.

Now, "Dance Party" probably deserves a blog entry of its own, but I'll reserve full-disclosure for another day and give you the abridged version tonight: the kids and I turn on music and dance until we are tired and out of breath. It usually lasts at least an hour or two and is non-stop fun. (The music changes all the time, but these days we have been listening to what some may consider "classic rock": .38 Special, REO Speedwagon, the Pretenders, etc.) While Regan and Jack were getting "dressed" (sometimes "Dance Party" requires costume changes . . .) Finn and I were warming up to some Beatles. I had a glass of water sitting on the coffee table and he had a sippy cup full of water. And then, as if guided by Jeff's heavenly hand, Finn walked over to the end table, took out a coaster, and put his sippy cup on the coaster. I said out-loud to him, "well, aren't you Daddy's boy?" He was very proud of himself. Meanwhile, I'm ashamed to admit I was negligently using a library book as a "coaster" for my glass of water. And I know he has never witnessed me use a Swiffer--nor has anyone. That kind of sighting is right up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and the Loch Ness Monster.

So, the long and short of it is: I know he doesn't get it from me. And even though I used to sometimes get annoyed at Jeff's fastidiousness, it was somehow both sweet and reassuring to see it come through so loud and clear in Finn. It was a neat reminder of all the ways Jeff will reveal himself through our children in the many years to come.

Until next time, take care and thanks for reading!

Kelly

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Happy Halloween!











Tony declared last night to be the “best Halloween ever” and I have to agree it was a pretty good time! Between the Murphys, the Popanzes, the Marklins, the Kenneys, and the Dodd Squad, we had quite a formidable group of trick-or-treaters. There was a devil, a jester, and a menagerie of animals: a kitty, a puppy, a lion, a cow (complete with udders) and even a baby dinosaur. Indiana Jones made an appearance and we had two ninjas in tow. Finally, we had Yoda (the younger, nimbler, light-saber wielding Yoda) who definitely had the Force—I’ve never seen so much candy. My kids will be in a Kit Kat coma until Christmas!

It was a lovely night—cool, but comfortable and the little ones held up well. After charming the neighborhood out of about 20 pounds of chocolate, skittles, and suckers, we came back to our house for chili, beer and wine. (Although one of our neighbors got the party started early by handing out candy to the kids and glasses of beer or wine to the adults to enjoy as we wound our way through the neighbordhood. Suh-weet!).

In other news, Jeff’s parents are visiting this weekend. Jeff’s mom has been helping with the kids while they are off school for Fall Break and Gary arrived in town today to spend some time with Jack and Finn doing “boy” things. (They are on a hike through the woods at the moment). Tomorrow is the annual memorial mass at our parish. Once a year they host a mass and breakfast to honor and remember all the people whose funerals were held at St. Jude’s in the prior year. So, the kids and I and Jeff’s parents will go to the mass and breakfast and then to the cemetery (assuming I remember to set my clocks back tonight . . .)

So, our streak of great weekends continues. The Force is truly with us.

Love, Kelly